Welcome to Uranus:

Now kiss your ass goodbye

The synopsis


In the year 3,015, through a dramatic series of accidents and careful planning, the planet Uranus has become habitable for humans.   The actual god Uranus, who was banished to this planet by his son, may have also played a role in this.

The Gordons have immigrated to Uranus with the hopes of striking it rich mining the newly terra-rized crust for precious minerals.  However, despite what the brochures said, it is nearly impossible for new settlers to become successful, as the company that settled the first city on Uranus is also, more or less, politically in charge of the planet as well.

Our protagonist is 12 year old Rosie Gordon, who may or may not be a descendant of Uranus (the god), and who, throughout the course of the novel, discovers the extents of her powers.  Her father, David, in a vain attempt to protect his family, is forced to give Rosie up to the Bullweather Mining Company (the company more or less in charge of the planet).  She is taken to a mining facility with many other children, and it is here that the majority of the story unfolds.  Rosie becomes close friends with five other children, including her roommate, Asha, who is just a little too promiscuous for a 12 year old, who has artificial eyes due to a tragic kiln explosion back on Earth, and who almost immediately develops a raging crush on Rosie.

In the year 3,015 most of the old gods have been forgotten, and Sting is the god most people worship.  Because, if you think about it, why wouldn’t he be?  He does watch every step you take, and also every move that you make.

Uranus (the planet) was made into a closed ecosystem, so only certain plants and animals have been brought there.  The man who founded Jemdroid City also thought it would be fun to bring pugs to play with, more to annoy his wife, a cat person, than for any other reason.  In the 100 years or so since the pugs have run amok, and now one can make a very decent living on Uranus as a pug grumbler. (A pack of pugs is known as a grumble.)

In the year 3,015 here are also androids you can download your mind into known as Avaturds, there are body suits you can wear to protect you from the elements called endodermises, there are chicken-cow hybrids called chows, and there’s an epic quest to get the best pizza on Uranus from a restaurant called Piriformis.

Without giving away the ending (which maybe is okay in a synopsis, but it doesn’t feel okay) the book ends with a giant battle between the Bullweather Mining Company’s army of Avaturd mimes and the employees who have grown tired of tearing families apart for corporate gain.